As we made our way up the stairs to “my bedroom” to use the computer, I took a chance to look out the window for the first time. Snowing again. I wanted to blame the snow for my shitty mood, the lack of sunlight and the air that was so cold it hurt your face to go outside. I wanted to blame the weather and Mother Nature for the deepening feeling of despair that was growing inside my heart. I wanted to blame it all on the view form the window because…. well then because I wouldn’t have to actually acknowledge that my life had really gone to hell in a matter of a week. I wouldn’t be forced to face the fact that it was my current reality that was causing me so much pain, that I was actually about to find a flight home to my suspected murderer of a husband only so I could work to execute an iron clad plan that would land him and his co-conspirators in jail. Alas, as much as the weather truly does suck in Rochester, New York, I knew my mind would not allow me to blame my current state on seasonal depression.

The computer was ancient, and took forever to load. I am pretty sure there are mice in the back running on a wheel to fuel the computer with energy; and we had just woken them up. It was a slow start, but eventually we were perusing the airline websites in search of flights home. We had decided to travel together for comfort. Although a part of me still believes my mother didn’t want to take the chance that I would divert my flight to an alternate destination just to escape what had become my current reality. I wouldn’t have, but I won’t deny that the thought crossed my mind. You know the amazing thing? A week ago I couldn’t find a flight under $900 to get home for my father funeral. The airlines wouldn’t help me and they definitely wouldn’t honor discounts in accordance with bereavement flights. Still have to remember to write a letter thanking them for that.  But one week later and flights were available any day of the week for less than $200 one way. There were even some available today, you know in case I was in a rush to get back to my lying piece of shit husband. Now there is an emergency! Another joke on me; Universe- one point!

It was Monday, and a shitty day to travel. Add the snow and we were sure to get stuck somewhere. Plus I don’t think Mimi would have been to thrilled if we had met her at the bathroom door after her shower and told her we were packing to leave today. Who were we kidding, she wasn’t going to be happy no matter what day we left because, well, we were leaving. We decided on Wednesday afternoon. That would give us time to have another family dinner, say our goodbyes and tie up any loose ends. As I clicked the button to confirm our reservation I felt the nausea begin to rise in my stomach. At first I attributed it to the Gin that was being soaked up by, well nothing. But then it occurred to me that as true as the BAC of my body right now, was the feat that I was leaving things unfinished. That I was going to walk away and this whole thing was suddenly going to be forgotten about. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes once again, this was beginning to become an annoying habit. My Mom leaned over and draped her arm across my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay Fib, we are going to finish this.” She whispered these words in my ear and it was almost as if she was inside my head. She knew exactly where my pain was coming from without me even having to speak. I guess this must be another one of those “tricks” of motherhood.

We agreed not to tell Mimi anything for fear of sending her into an early grave. Mom said I could talk to Kim, and that I actually should because we might need her help in proving some things. As next of Kin, she had the most access to Dad’s estate and I was going to need her on my side to bring these people to justice. She would be my next call, or better yet, the next conversation I had face to face. Probably it was not best to tell someone your conspiracy theories over the phone. Mom went downstairs to talk to Mimi and let her know our travel plans. I checked my phone to see that the day had made it’s way into early afternoon, 1:00. It was time that I got myself together and started figuring out the things i absolutely needed to have done before I left. I sent Kim a quick text asking if she had time to talk today. She told me she was staying home and fielding phone calls from her attorney and the auction house and to come over anytime. Give me about an hour, I wrote back, and added a smiley face emoji to demonstrate that I was being positive and cheerful. I stole glance at the mirror that hung on the back of the door.  Okay, I was going to have to work on that one a little more. But it was nothing some makeup and little happy pill couldn’t fix for today.

I showered and dressed for the day. After my visual of outside, this meant layers… lots of layers. Ugh! Maybe some of my pissy mood could be blamed on Mother Nature; now she was affecting my wardrobe. I made a quick list before I left the house so that I knew what had to be done before I left. 1.) See Kim 2.) Go to UPS store (to ship all my “acquired” items from my Dad). 3.) Call Steve  4.) Find Martin

The third item on my list all but made me tear up again or maybe vomit; possibly both. But I held it together, reminding myself that this situation was temporary. And the one I was going to create for him, the punishment he was going to suffer for his heinous actions, well that was going to be permanent. I wonder if we could have him prosecuted in Texas so there would be the option for the death penalty. “An eye for an eye,” Right? As for Martin, well it had definitely been a while since I had spoken to him, but it was safe to say he more than likely remained in Rochester. It is rare that anyone leaves, and when they do, it is even more rare that they stay gone. Look at me? I was going to wind up right back here if I couldn’t put Steve away. No way was I living in the same state as that asshole unless he was under lock and key; preferably 23 hours a day in solitary confinement with the exception of one hour yard time to be granted only on good behavior, and only alone. Even in prison I worried he might hurt someone if left to his ways and allowed to interact with other people. Nope, in my day dream he was going to serve out his time alone as he counted down the days to his execution. Even if you are not normally a death row advocate, you can still sympathize with my point right?

Once I was layered up I checked to make sure none of my skin was exposed with the exception of my eyeballs. This was how I lived in Rochester, for about 5 months out of the year. One look at my get up in the mirror and I had yet more drive to get this plan going. The faster I had Steve put away, the faster I was going to get out of these layers and stay out of them. Man this weather sucks.

I made my way down the stairs and looped the car keys off the hook by the back door. I gave Mimi and Mom a kiss, made assurances and promises to drive slow and safe, and trudged through the snow out to the car. After I completed the song and dance of brushing the mountain of snow from the windows, I hopped in and began warming my appendages over the heater. I needed to be able to feel my fingers in order to keep my promise of driving safe. Once I felt the blood start to defrost and move through my body once again, I carefully eased out of the driveway and I was on my way. Armed with my ever wilting beverage napkin as a visual aid, I was going to deliver the same speech to Kim that I had to my mother just a few hours ago. Even though I had a trial run, I still felt sick about having to say it aloud again. I whispered a little prayer that she was going to respond well. I realize I had not always been a follower of Christ, but I thought maybe in this moment he would take pity on me and maybe offer some support, for Kim not for me. I had already made my peace with my theory, but Kim was going to hear this big ball of crazy for the first time. I let out a deep exhale and reached for the radio button, I could use a brief distraction from my own mind. Mimi had it set to Warm 101.3 as always and as I turned the volume up I felt a chill run up my arm and tingle my skin. It was the voice, the sound, the words; Tangeled Up In Blue was flowing from the speakers and Bob Dylan’s voice was ringing in my ears and warming my insides. I wiped a stray tear from my face and glanced up at the sky, “So you do hear me.”